Unspoken Wounds: When Clinicians Experience Abuse

Therapists are trained to hold space for the pain of others. We’re taught to recognize trauma, understand cycles of abuse, and support healing with insight, empathy, and boundaries. But what happens when the therapist becomes the one living in harm’s way?

It’s a reality more common than many realize—and one that carries a unique and often invisible burden.

Because when therapists experience domestic violence, they’re often met not with compassion, but with something far more isolating:

“You should’ve known better.”

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The Hidden Stigma of Being Both Therapist and Survivor

There’s a painful double standard that many therapists face when they become survivors of intimate partner violence. While we offer unconditional care to our clients, we often don’t receive the same understanding in return—from colleagues, communities, or even ourselves.

Common internal and external messages include:

• “You saw the red flags—why didn’t you leave?”

• “Aren’t you trained to spot manipulation?”

• “How could someone with your education fall into that?”

This framing assumes that knowledge alone protects us from harm. It doesn’t. Therapists are human—just as vulnerable to trauma bonding, attachment wounds, gaslighting, or control as anyone else. And perhaps even more so, because of how deeply we value empathy, connection, and care.

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Why Therapists May Be More Vulnerable to Certain Dynamics

While no one is immune to abuse, there are reasons therapists can be more vulnerable to staying in unhealthy or abusive relationships—especially those that are subtle, psychological, or emotionally coercive.

Some of those reasons include:

1. Identity Tied to Being the “Helper”

Therapists are often drawn to this work because of personal history, family dynamics, or a deep-seated need to care for others. That same instinct can show up in personal relationships—leading to over-functioning, self-sacrifice, or tolerating behaviors we would never advise a client to accept.

2. High Empathy, High Tolerance

Many therapists are trained to look past surface behaviors to understand unmet needs. This strength becomes a liability when it excuses harmful actions or delays boundaries. We may over-identify with a partner’s trauma and minimize the impact of their behavior on our well-being.

3. Early Boundary Violations in Life and Training

Therapists with histories of attachment trauma, people-pleasing, or emotional caretaking may unconsciously replicate those dynamics in adult relationships. Add to that the emotional labor and blurred boundaries common in early training environments, and it becomes harder to draw firm lines in personal life.

4. Shame and Silence Within the Profession

The pressure to appear regulated, whole, and “above” personal crisis creates deep shame when harm occurs. Many therapists fear judgment, loss of credibility, or being seen as unfit. This silence prevents access to the very support we encourage clients to seek.

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“You Should Know Better” Is a Harmful Myth

Domestic violence isn’t about intelligence. It’s not about strength, education, or clinical insight. It’s about power and control, often executed in manipulative, invisible ways that escalate slowly over time. It thrives in isolation, silence, and shame.

Telling a therapist they “should’ve known better” is not only unfair—it’s damaging. It invalidates their pain, reinforces self-blame, and discourages disclosure. It reinforces the dangerous myth that abuse only happens to the unaware or uneducated, when in fact, it can happen to anyone.

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The Emotional Toll of Living in Two Worlds

For therapists who are survivors, there is often a dual burden: managing their own trauma while continuing to hold space for others. This can lead to:

• Emotional exhaustion and burnout

• Hypervigilance in or outside the therapy room

• Imposter syndrome and professional self-doubt

• Increased vulnerability to secondary trauma

• Delayed or avoided help-seeking due to fear of exposure

And when support systems don’t acknowledge this dual reality, the isolation deepens.

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Therapists Deserve Healing, Too